Your new “diet” that consists of you consuming 500 calories a day and has helped you lose 20 pounds in three weeks, is not, in fact, called a diet. It’s called starving yourself.
Just so you know…
I feel like some of you do not understand all of the lingo that you find down here, so I want to let you in on the secrets. Here are my first entries into the southern-to-everybody-else dictionary:
1) Fixin’ to: getting ready to
- "I’m fixin’ to go to the store, you need any beer?"
2) Reckon: guess
- "Bobbie Jo’s dancin’ on the table and singin’ ‘Long-haired Redneck,’ how many beers you reckon she’s had?" "Hell, I don’t know, I reckon about 15."
3) Needs cut: This is just one example of how southerners often omit the words, “to be.”
- "My hair needs (to be) cut."
4) Out the: Once again, we have omitted a word. Stick an ‘of’ in there and it makes sense.
- "Get that dog out (of) the garden. It’s eatin’ my collards!"
5) Ain’t: This replaces “isn’t” and “aren’t.”
- "There ain’t no beers in the cooler, who drank ‘em all?"
6) The War of Northern Aggression: This refers to the Civil War. I think it makes a lot more sense, I mean, what is so civil about war?
7) Mighty white of ya: That was a very nice thing for you to do. Thank you. (And don’t anbody start telling me I’m racist for including this one. I’m just translating.)
- "Hey man, I picked up all yer beer cans out the front yard." "Well that’s mighty white of ya."
8) Yonder: there
- "I’m going over yonder to get some beer."
9) Good Lord willing and the creek don’t rise: hopefully
- "My truck’s stuck, you gonna be able to get it out?" "Good Lord willing and the creek don’t rise."
I hope this will help all you non-southerners if you ever visit this wonderful place I call home. And one more thing, NEVER make fun of the way we talk, or you’ll be fixin’ to get your ass beat.
Dear “Hope for the Gulf Coast Now,”
Oh…wait…you don’t exist. Apparently no celebrities care about people who speak English.
I firmly believe you are the devil. I don’t like most of the people I went to high school with, and I’m quite sure most of them don’t like me. So why do you let them request to be my friend? And why do I feel the need to accept? I’m quite sure they already think I’m a bitch, so would they think I’m even MORE of a bitch if I deny them? Are there levels of bitchiness, and how long does the I-think-she’s-a-bitch feeling last anyway? Also, why is it that the fat Korean kid in high school is eternally going to be friends with EVERYONE? I don’t get it. You confuse me so much.
I also hate you because you allow me to look up ex-boyfriends that I shouldn’t be looking up. Wait, let me correct myself since I have actually only looked up one ex-boyfriend. Okay that’s another strike against you, though, admittedly, it is my fault that I’ve only looked up one. Apparently now you are trying to tell me I am not totally over this person. Is that what you’re saying? I don’t need to know how happy he is in his new life with his new girlfriend. Or, more importantly, that for two years he lived just down the road from me and we might have been able to rekindle that old flame that apparently never died for either of us. Which, coincidentally, I now know thanks to you.
So, facebook, in conclusion, you suck for making me rethink some of the decisions I have made in my life, hate, even more, some of the people I USED to know, and for ruining all the dreams I had of how miserable some of those old acquaintainces might be now. I don’t want to see people I never liked being happy. I don’t want to see boys I loved being happy. As a matter of fact, I don’t want to see anybody I don’t currently interact with on a regular basis at all. POINT. BLANK. PERIOD.
P.S. In case you didn’t notice, I think you’re a total douche.
Dear dog owners,
It is common courtesy to carry some kind of poop bag when you go out in public with your dog. I don’t care how small your dog is, its shit still stinks and it still sucks to step in it. You put diapers on babies so they don’t get shit everywhere, right? Everywhere I go with my dog, I always take a bag so I can clean up after him. And most dog friendly places you go usually have bags available for you in case you forget your own. For example, you can find them at the beach access where I go. So, when your dog walks over in my general vicinity and poops and I TELL you where the bags are, you better fucking go get one. You know what will happen if you kick sand over it and walk away? Yep, you guessed it, I’m going to pick it up and bring it to you, in a BAG I had with me. And the conversation will go something like this:
Me: Excuse me, do you live here?
Me: Well I do and I don’t like dog poop on my beach. Here ya go.
Me: Excuse me, do you live here?
Me: Then you should know better. Here ya go.
If you are going to take on all the responsibilities of owning a dog, please don’t forget the one where you clean up after them.
Dear Heidi Montag Pratt,
Damn, girl. You really fucked up your face didn’t you? You were cute before. Why did you let Hollywood and you loser husband (don’t lie I know he had a part in it, or at least he didn’t try to talk you down) make you turn your face into a big plastic mess? I mean seriously. Your eyebrows now make you look like you are permanently surprised, your cheeks are way too fat for your face, your lips are just gross, your boobs are way too big for your body, and, for the love of Christ, you had your chin SHAVED down!!! And what the fuck was wrong with your ears that you needed to have them pinned back?? That’s like a major bitch slap to your parents. “Hey thanks guys for bringing me into this world, but you did a pretty shitty job.” I have a feeling you are already regretting it. At least I am.
All my love,
Dear Jack Bauer,
Why are you so much hotter than Kiefer Sutherland? I just don’t get it.I can hardly control myself when I see you, but he doesn’t do much for me. Please explain.
Dear Time Warner Cable,
[part of email message from Time Warner Cable]
TV Made Easy is
designed with you in mind. Beginning April 14th, you will notice changes to your channel lineup starting with channel 100 and above. Now, finding your favorite shows and channels will be easier and faster. Similar channels will be grouped in the following categories:
So,TWC, let me get this straight: You are changing all my channels to make my life easier??? WTF?? Somehow, I am not sure I’m following you on this one. For starters, you have never done anything to make my life easy, so why would I think you would start now? I was just getting used to the channel lineup and now you go and switch it up on me. I knew all my favorite channels, AND my husband’s, by heart. I could flip to whatever trashy show I wanted to watch, or to whatever dumb show he wanted to watch. Now you’re telling me I gotta learn that shit all over again? How is this making my life easier?? All it is doing is reaffirming my belief that you are the devil and are out to get me. Why are you punishing me? What did I ever do to you? I may have to move on to Suddenlink because our relationship has let me down so many times I stopped counting. It’s not healthy. I think I’m over it. It’s not me, it’s you, and can we NOT be friends??
Pollen is more interesting than you.
Dear The Bad Girls Club,
You make me feel so much better about myself. Watching you has let me know I am nowhere near as fucked up as I used to think. You bitches are crazy and have a ridiculous amount of problems. Thank you so much for being completely psychotic. I don’t know what I would do without you. Please continue to make fools of yourselves so I can continue boosting my self-esteem. Carry on.